i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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