Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
