I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
