Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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