did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
