i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
