Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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