Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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