It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
