You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I wish my penis had an off switch
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
