That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I want her autograph on my taint
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
