Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
