i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
