Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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