Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
