I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
