new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
