What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
