i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
