Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
