i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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