That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
