True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
