So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
