I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
