So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
