I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
