Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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