your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
try to milk me bitch
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