I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
