Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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