i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
