but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
