im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
