if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
