wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
