My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
