I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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