my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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