Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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