I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
