is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish you could order shots online.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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