see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
