Cold hands, warm shart.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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