don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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