Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
