I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
