Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
