I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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