oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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