All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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